حب وسعادة

When you realize that your friends..even your closest ones..have always displayed some sort of “Secret Animosity” towards you.

Sneakily making fun of you, targeting your actions, your looks…talking badly about you to others meanwhile pretending they like you. Not telling you to go for things you want that can make you money or successful. Putting you down. Never giving you any compliments or liking/commenting on your stuff. It’s crazy how fake some friendships are.

Why the FUCK am I hurt agin.

This guy was ALL about me from the start. I played it so cool because I didn’t want him. Then we get close, hangout, get intimate and he tells me he’s looking for meaningful connections and that he wants to prioritize me. We really progress and are having a good time. He wants to do all these things with me and then one day just flips the switch. Doesn’t want to hangout anymore. Stops texting me. Then continues to snapchat me everyday getting more cute and flirty. Then we hangout at the gym and then afterwards and I leave for a 4 day trip. We still spoke then on snap and then I come home to see him at the gym with a new girl. He completely saw me, but ignored me for 2 days straight EVEN THOUGH he saw me all because he supposedly didn’t want to leave her. I see him 2 days after that and he just walks past me and says hi only because he was going to setup to workout right in front of me. We don’t really TALK, we had like a 1 min exchange of little commentary and then I got up and left. I walk out and we wave bye to each other and that’s it.

Come to find out today that I have been taken off his close friends list. Like what the fuck did I do? I was just on it maybe yesterday or 2 days ago and then all of a sudden, I’m cut off of that as well?

He said that as soon as he catches himself being fake, he’ll cut things off. So now I’m taken off close friends, location turned off, texting stopped, streak stopped, no more memes, ignored at the gym. Everything. And all I can do is sit here and wonder why and what did I do? I know it probably has nothing to do with me and maybe everything to do with him needing to cut me off, but like I am having such a hard time understanding this and why it’s happening. I want the answers. I want to know why this happened. The fact that we can’t even be FRIENDS anymore? The way that my best friend has been keeping information from me that she knew about him and everything and didn’t tell me..

I woke up this morning feeling so good about everything in my life. I was motivated, feeling happy (despite being exhausted from lack of sleep), and over the last guy I was talking to.

Then I head to the gym and the first thing i see is the guy I was talking to…with another girl. They were working out together, completely focused on each other in conversation. He was smiling and looked so happy to be chatting with her. They looked like they were getting on so well and it wasn’t the first time I’ve seen them working out together. Then he goes and walks her to the change room, waits for her, and then they leave together. Exactly what he has done with me…on several occasions. And now he’s doing it with someone else, in front of me. Because I know he saw me today when I was there.

I’m so bothered for some reason because I was fine with getting over him today. And I told myself I’d be okay if I saw him or didn’t see him at the gym. Then the second I see him, ON TOP of him with this other girl after all the conversations we’ve had all weekend and before that…I’m just so disappointed. I am sad, hurt, annoyed, and most importantly - I feel so used and taken advantage of. I feel so stupid for falling for all of it. For being reeled back into all of this.

And now we both recognize how awkward it is. We go from such a high to a low. What the fuck am I even doing with myself? To be so bothered by a guy who’s much younger than me?

I think it’s the disrespect and the fact that I was led on in a situation I had so much control in. A situation where I didn’t even want anything from him in the first place and saw him as a little puppy dog following me around and triple texting me. I wish I did better. I wish I utilized more of my control in this situation. Universe gave me this easy opportunity to exercise my control and communication and I have failed once again. I have to stop letting this happen because it’s not okay. I am so much better than this and him to let it affect me this way for an entire day. What the fuck? I need to be better. I really do.

Everything is okay.

You didn’t want him in the first place. You didn’t want to date him or have anything with him long-term. Just remember that you attached to him because he was giving you love, attention and feeding you things you wanted to hear. But he is young and he was just saying what he could to get to you. He may have caught feelings, but judging by how he’s acting now, he’s not into anything more than a fwb situation. And you can either be okay with that, or just completely detach.

Reminder that you shouldn’t feel hurt about the choices you made. You did what you wanted to do in the moment because it felt right. Don’t blame yourself for loving someone and caring for them the way you do. The right person with the right intentions will be there to reciprocate.

He was SO lucky to have been even given any of your attention. He should be so thankful that you even gave him any of your time, care and affection. It was a fun time, don’t regret it, but now it’s time to move on and focus on long-term relationships and building yourself, your foundation and self-love. I love you so much. Remember to be kind to yourself.

So I got my clarity tonight. I didn’t even have to ask because the moment I saw him again after 2 weeks, the first thing he talks about is how excited he is to have 3 female roommates. Showing me a picture of one of them and talking about it consistently. Then later pondering about whether or not he would sleep with them or not. Everything that he talked to me about that day honestly just hurt so much and I had to be present and seem fine the entirety I was with him today in public.

I had a 45min conversation with one of my friends and he basically told it to me straight with the tough love. I can’t be expecting much from someone 6 years younger than me. I was once a prize, he chased me so hard, he got me, and then he was done with me. My friend kept telling me things like: be scarce, be careful who you give yourself to, treat yourself with more self-respect and love. And basically all the things I knew, but needed someone else to verbally tell me all these things - especially from a males’ perspective.

I can’t help but still feel hurt because this guy led me on.

I never wanted anything at the beginning, but the more we went out for dinner, went to the gym together, went shopping at the mall, movies at his house, spending so much time together, drunk calling me, drinking together, going out, texting everyday….calling me pet names like babygirl/hun/babes…meeting the parents, being talked about with your friends, telling me i’m a “bigger and better thing to prioritize in my life”, wanting to come to a cottage with me and then book a separate place just us two for a night, forehead and cheek kisses, kissing me goodbye, a few good morning/night texts… how can I NOT assume that you had feelings for me. I know he did. I know he liked me and then after maybe discovering I do OF or after having me, he was quite literally done with it.

I just need to rant because I need to accept the fact that he is young and going back to school. He never really intended to be in a relationship or get into one before going back to school. He KNOWS he’s good looking and is so confident in himself. He went from telling me he wasn’t dating this summer to wanting to have meaningful connections. It’s all probably true at the time, but something changed along the way or he knew what to say to keep me around.

I need to detach. I need to remember that this was all for fun and I let it happen and get to this point. Every bit of this is also my fault. I can’t blame him for any of it - I liked it too, I just got attached. And now I have to realllly understand and plant in my head that he was just excited to have got with an older girl. He got it and he bragged about it and now he’s done and onto newer more convenient and more connectedness in his next journey. I have to accept and remind myself that I never wanted this in the first place. He made me believe that. But those were just my assumptions and beliefs of a young guy.

I need to promise to work and focus on myself. Detach the feelings.

I hate feeling this way. I don’t want to be sad about it anymore.

I have to accept that everything is clearly written out in front of me.

If he truly wanted you and meant what he said, you would not be feeling this way right now. He wouldn’t be putting the connection in any kind of risk to lose you. He was chasing so hard at the beginning - triple texting you, sending you a bunch of memes, wanting to hangout, spending an entire day or evening with you, drunk calling you, telling his friends about you, showing you off, meeting his parents, posting you on BeReal. He did all of that in the moment because he was excited and was chasing to obtain you. And now that he had you and experienced you, the fun is done. Once one person “caught feelings” and things start to get a little seemingly serious, he pulls back.

How did it go from him chasing me, him asking me to hangout, him telling me i’m a priority and all this shit to absolutely nothing. Him ghosting me, him cancelling on me. It was only 2 days ago where he confidently said he would like to see me and then I catch him in a lie yesterday. And then he cancels on plans with me this morning. For someone who talked a lot about wanting to see me, book a one night stay somewhere, do a whole cottage trip….only to be completely cold out of no where and cut me off. So all I can assume is that he is being fake with me now.

I should have seen this happening. I have such a bad habit of growing attached to anyone who gives me even the slightest bit of attention. I crave so much attention and validation from someone I don’t really know, meanwhile I can’t even do that for myself. I can’t even find it within me to do that. What the fuck is wrong with me. Why can’t I learn to detach. Why can’t I learn my fucking lesson.

I’ve been through this cycle ever since 2016 with a plethora of men and I can’t seem to stop attaching. How do I learn to love myself? How can I stop seeking validation from others when I should find that within myself? How do I become more secure. I just wish I could figure this out on my own and start the journey to being a new and better me soon because I am so sick and tired of my own shit and my own feelings. I’m tired of entering into situationships and being played for a fool. I’m tired of letting myself catch feelings for someone who hasn’t even EARNED the ticket to my heart. I hate myself for letting anyone just walk into my life garden, step all over all the flowers I’ve worked so hard to grow, just to walk back out and leave a mess. That’s my life analogy. I’m trying to replant and water the plants everyday, but I can’t help but neglect them on days that I just don’t and can’t find the energy to get up and do the work.

Something needs to change. I need to make a change asap.

You were never going to date him anyways.

You couldn’t see a REAL future with him.

You don’t love him and you don’t have romantic feelings for him as. a person.

He was just conveniently there to fill in the gaps of loss from your relationship.

You created a lot of fake scenarios in your head - none of which came true, but only led you to believe in your delusions further.

He may have led you on severely to cause you this hurt, but remind yourself that you are in different life stages and it wouldn’t have worked out anyways, so why are you holding on and upset?

We’ve been in this place before with several other guys and you always get over it and move on.

Just this time when you work on moving on….really focus on the lessons and learning from it. This time is really about you to figure out what you want out of life and to discover more about yourself and why you’re anxiously attached. There’s lots to learn here about ourselves and it’s time to do that inner shadow work so we can do and be better next time.

Something needs to change and I don’t know where to start, but I tried my best with my environment first. I slowly started to tidy up my room and cleaned my sheets.

I feel a little bit better, but my mind still feels so cluttered with thoughts, worries and hurt. I have thoughts that are troubling me so much that I can’t even focus on my daily routine and bringing myself back to who I was. How can I even begin to share my story without any teachings? I haven’t even seen the light yet with my problem to even create content out of it. What the fuck do I need right now?

If I were to ask myself this question without a single worry of how I would get there, I honestly need a reset. My brain, heart and being feel so heavy. I am so unmotivated and lost all passion for all things that I used to love to do. I spend so much time at home just letting the days pass me without really being productive. I need to find that passion again and realize my potential and what I am capable of.

These last few months have completely diminished the braincells I have. My vocabulary has completely gone through the door. I have issues retaining information. I have so many self-esteem issues. I attach to anything and everything that gives me temporary satisfaction.

I made all of the decisions that led me here today so if I am unhappy and displeased with any of it, it is my fault and in my power to make that change. I can’t continue to live this way anymore. I can’t allow myself to spiral down a depressive state when I can do something about it and make a change today.

Detach. Prioritize yourself. Find your happiness and passion again. Feed yourself with healthy foods, energy, people, and activities. Things will be looking up soon. I thank the universe and my spirit guides for always guiding me in the right direction and showing me the signs, even if I don’t always acknowledge them the right way, I am still learning and I hope that the world can be patient with me as I try to get my life back together.

I need to stop being attached to people I’ve just met and had intimate moments with because every single goddamn time this happens, I get so jealous and think that I’m a priority when it’s clear I’m not.

I have a fucking problem because this happens every time. Falling for what? Potential? Just craving the attention and affection? Like this isn’t fucking normal. I know I can’t/shouldn’t date this guy, yet I am enjoying the time we have together while doing datey things. He’s never expressed his feelings and neither have I. He claims that his hoe phase is over as of this summer, but I don’t believe that.

Someone so young who hasn’t even hit their prime yet would not be throwing in that towel so soon and I know this to be true. I think what I need to practice now is detachment and distancing myself because once he leaves in a month, I can’t be wallowing in any kind of sadness because he was part of a temporary routine. The fun can continue, but the feelings need to fucking stop.

Something is seriously wrong with me.

I was doing the dishes and then got the most sudden panic attack. It’s not like I was even thinking of anything super in particular in the moment. I just felt a sudden rush of anxiety and panic. My heart was beating so fast and my chest started hurting. A lot. Like I couldn’t breathe. And a wave of emotions hit me. I felt like I was going to lose control.

And then for the next bit I kept going in and out of panic. My heart rate was at 139bpm. I still have a struggle getting air into my lungs. What is wrong with me. There is something seriously wrong with me and I need to understand now.

Once again, I was and I wasn’t wrong about someone.

I had my eye on this guy at the gym for MONTHS and when I finally had the opportunity to entertain him, I get a feeling that he’s a fuckboy. I asked him about that, and he confirmed he wasn’t, but I still had a gut feeling he was. The thing is - I love his vibe, energy and talking to him is always great. He’s asked me to hangout and do something outside of the gym 3x, but nothing was set in motion. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and definitely not one with him, but I wanted to have some fun.

I guess part of me had developed just a little bit of feelings, because I was always just so excited to see him at the gym and talk to him that slowly it just happened. I know I am not in the right place to be romantically dating anyone right now especially after what happened and how I haven’t really had much time to process and reflect on what happened and what it is I need to work on within myself.

My anxious attachment. Falling too hard too quickly. Falling for the wrong reasons - the potential, the charisma, the looks.. The same reasons I have failed every single time is not trusting my gut.

I have the best intuition, but it seems like every single time it goes off, I just ignore it and pretend like everything is okay. I ignore every red flag and then just end up hurting myself in the end. I seriously need some therapy to get myself in check because at this rate, I will never successfully find someone who is good and right for me.

This summer should be about fun and not about fighting to be in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with hooking up with no feelings. There is nothing wrong with having a FWB. All these foreign things I have never been involved with before…maybe this will be the summer I really come out of my shell and just learn to have a good fucking time and not think too hard about anything else.

It’s hot girl summer. It’s demon time. Fuck feelings. All I need to focus on is myself, growing my brand, getting my bad and getting satisfied everywhere else.

So what the fuck is there to do now?

I am so heartbroken and angry for so many reasons that I feel like I could have had so much more control in. I have been so fucking depressed the last few weeks, especially the last few days because things have been going horribly in my relationship.

I had such an enlightening conversation with one of my close friends last night and she brought so much perspective that it gave me hope. That hope kept growing as I told my boyfriend how much I needed him here (LDR) and he was going to ask his boss if he could come 6 weeks earlier than planned. To my surprise and excitement, he said he was able to come. I was so excited last night. I had so much hope that he would have been with me by next Friday. All to be fucking crushed when I woke up this morning to realize that there is absolutely nothing we can do about changing his flights because he didn’t read the fine print and booked a non-refundable, non-changeable flight off a third party website that I told him I did not trust and felt bad about. I told him every step of the way when booking that I wanted to see the site. I wanted to see every page because when I was doing a “test book”, I saw the page and it clearly highlighted in BOLD what the cancellation fee and change fees would be for that flight. He didn’t tell me any of that. And he just went ahead and booked it. And now I am at a loss and broken because I truly don’t think I can wait 6 more weeks to see him when our relationship is at stake right now. I don’t know what the fuck to do and I am holding on for dear life that my last hope…the last thing that I am desperately hoping for is for the travel agency to send me a blessing and for the IT department to not be able to pick up on what the policies were shown on the website at the time of booking.

I am pleading to the universe and my spirit guides and angels to grant me this positive blessing because I need it right now. I need this to workout. I need him here. I need to find the peace again within us and myself. I need to be with him. I really don’t think that I can continue this way for another 6 weeks. The fate of our relationship depends on this. I’m not ready to say goodbye to him yet despite all of our struggles and I really need to see that light of hope again. I am so thankful and grateful for all the guidance so far and I want to give this a real chance. I need to see him again. Please please let me see something good happen from this. Please.

It’s not going to work.
It’s so clear to me now that the more days go by and the more conversations we have that turn into arguments, the more I can see how this is never going to end up in a forever arrangement.

How does the person who LOVES you forget that you have always wanted kids? How can you drastically mess that up and then go on to be so convinced that I said otherwise?

Why am I so scared to let go of someone who I don’t even see a future with. I am so clear on that vision that this guy won’t be there, so why am I holding onto what little hope there is left? I know he can’t give me what I want and NEED because if he could, he would already be doing everything that he could for me right now. None of it is enough. I need more and it’s clear I won’t find that here.

It’s happening again. I have fallen back into a poor mental state of not believing that I am good enough for anything and feel useless. I feel as though nothing in my life is certain or where it should be.

My career is not successful right now. I have no idea what I am doing and what makes it worse is that there is nothing that I am really passionate about. I don’t know what to do to get out of this feeling…that STUCK feeling.

My relationship isn’t going well and is also very uncertain. I have no idea where it’s going and I am not confident at all that it is going to last, so why am I wasting my time? I feel like i’m always on edge or in a state of limbo where I’m just wondering if I should stay or go… what the fuck am I waiting for? He clearly isn’t going to change overnight to be the person that I need.

My health is up and down. I haven’t been sleeping so great, I have fallen back into some old habits and I feel lazy as fuck. I feel like I can’t even be consistent at the gym and the only thing that’s motivating me is knowing I will see a particular gym friend there.

My relationship with my family isn’t great. It’s not getting any better. My relationships with my friends are all over the place. I feel like I no longer really have any stable connections.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me right now, but it’s so hard to get out of my head right now and think positively because I feel so fucking drained and tired of living my boring fucking life.

Trying to fight these intrusive thoughts to not let the self-sabotage happen, but I get this feeling…this rush of anxiety that overcomes me when I think back to something he told me which doesn’t align with something that I saw/found out on my own.

What’s on my mind right now is what I presume to be a lie of him telling me that he’s NEVER stayed at the resort we stayed at. He only told me that he was there at the resort during the day, but not actually staying there. Could he actually have forgotten? Could he have been lying because he was there with someone else that he used to have a thing with? Or was he telling the truth and he was just staying elsewhere, and got the names mixed up?

My clear evidence was a conversation he had saying that he spent a lot of money staying at this exact name resort. He mentioned the name. And I know who he was with…so I can’t even. I’m just going to stop because that’s the past. It just makes me worried that there could be more things that he is lying about…